Goldfish Killer

I did it. I took the life of our goldfish, Fire. I agonized over this decision for a week. I need to give the account of the days leading up to the final hour of his life. A couple of weeks ago he became fairly lifeless. He wasn't swimming/pacing back in forth, or wagging his body as I neared the bowl at feeding time. Instead, he was barely moving and hanging at the top with his mouth moving quickly to catch air...it pained me to see him this way. This went on for a few days until I cleaned his bowl. As he waited in the smaller container, I decided to give him a Reiki treatment ( I sent him energy through my hands). My daughter walked up and said, "Oh, you're trying to heal Fire? I hope it works." She's seen this from me before. Freakish but true, when I placed him back in his home, he began swimming like his old self...he was healed!

His energy level diminished the next day, however, and he went back to acting and looking sick. I prepared the kids for the worst and they both replied (practically in unison), "Can we get a new fish right after he dies?" I guess it's a good thing they weren't suffering like I was over the downfall of our pet. He developed red spots on his head and his firey orange scales seemed to be fading to white. I googled " How to heal a sick goldfish" and immediately the information came. His spots and fading color were burns from acidic water. The level of oxygen was extremely low hence his gasping for air at the top. He should not have been in a bowl ( I knew he was a fighter...he lived in his compact, non filtered home for a year). In order to save Fire, he would need to be removed from his contaminated environment as soon as possible. I was "fired" up! I headed to Petsmart to obtain all the necessary goods.

New 5 gallon filtered tank, check. One live plant (adds much needed oxygen to water), check. Vacuum to clean debris from rocks, check. One Petsmart fish expert to explain what else I needed to do in order to expand the life of this pitiful living being that my kids could give two shakes about. Antibiotics! Water softener! Dechlorination drops! But, then she added..."wait a week before placing the fish into the newly prepared tank." I felt the fish wouldn't survive past a couple of days...I was stressed. I told her I needed some privacy to discuss this impending $200 purchase with my husband. During the conversation, the first thought of flushing him came to mind. I would not be present for this, and he would need to do it while the kids were away. I was plotting Fire's murder.  He thought I should ask the neighbor if she would like to add our fish to her own goldfish's tank. The step dad answered. "Why would we want another fish? It would make the water twice as dirty which would mean the miserable task of cleaning would be more often, and we had hoped her fish would have kicked it years ago. Karen, it's a goldfish for God's sakes!!!" So, that did it. The choice was clear. Fire had to go.

My husband was making my conclusion more difficult. I had made up my mind, but he was insisting we let the fish die of natural causes. I could not and would not watch the fish suffer another day. I was beginning to feel guilty though. I was controlling his destiny. What right did I have to do this? It was my own selfishness...I couldn't bear to look at the fish anymore. The next morning, I said my goodbyes and then asked my husband to go into the kitchen and take care of it while I waited in the back bedroom. The kids were at the grandparent's house. He called out, " I don't know, Karen, he's moving pretty good. I'm not sure we should do this." I yelled, "Just do it! And, don't tell me what he looks like or what he's doing." I heard the toilet flush, and then a second time. Oh, geez, it took two flushes. It was done. I went out to clean up his belongings. I felt awful. The kids were champs over the news...surprise, surprise. I left his empty bowl on the counter for a few days, but I started catching glimpses of him swimming around which kinda freaked me out.

I'm getting over it. I don't miss him anymore, and when I think of what it would've taken to save him, I feel I made the right decision....or, did I?